It’s been a week. It’s been a week since I said, “Enough. Enough beating yourself up. Let’s fix this.” It’s been a week since I went on Twitter and word vomited into a thread of tweets about hating myself and wanting to get better. I looked back the next day and wondered why I did that. I’m a rather guarded and private person. When I post on twitter it’s almost always a joke, or complaining about the fuckery happening in Washington, or cheering on one of my mediocre sports teams. (*I was told I am not allowed to say that anymore since the Cubs won the World Series, but this is my blog and I do what I want… plus the Lions are still the epitome of mediocre.)
I got some incredibly kind texts, and replies, sharing their support on my new journey. But still, why did I decide to be vulnerable at 11pm on a Monday on Twitter, when I barely am capable of being vulnerable in a relationship. I thought about deleting them, but the more I thought about it, the more I became at ease with bearing my soul. Also it already had some likes, and well, why waste a tweet with likes, right?
In all seriousness, I did it because I didn’t want to be alone with these thoughts anymore. I did it because I wanted to hold myself accountable. I am really good at coming up with ideas. In fact I have about three notebooks filled with ideas that I never start; ideas I just talk about. Some of them are great ideas. Yet, I’m not really sure why I don’t complete any of them. Maybe I just like the idea more than the creation. The idea can’t fail you. Whoa. I should pay myself $90/hr for that analysis. Either way, I actually wanted to follow through with this idea, because who really wants to go through life not really liking themselves? You know, besides Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sure, it’s easier just coast but as a perfectionist, I always want to get better.
This week I tasked myself with complimenting myself every day. Honestly, it felt like hippie mumbo jumbo that was a waste of time. I was regurgitating things I’ve been told, but didn’t truly believe them. It basically felt like when I would write papers in high school and just put together words that sounded vaguely intelligent but didn’t actually give two shits. However, as the week went on, I looked back at the previous day and tried to find a nuanced observation about myself. It felt nice not to be an asshole to myself for three minutes — Because let’s be honest, my attention span is only so long.
I’m not really sure it’s completely sinking in yet. But the seeds of something have been planted. I’m going to keep watering them and see if they grow into some self assurance. While I am about as good at gardening as I am at cooking (ask me about the time I tried to cook my friend a grilled cheese sandwich in the microwave… oh yeah… that happened…), I’m going to keep the compliment journal going.
This week the internet has suggested meditation. Ummm… This is not going to go as well as the compliment journal. In the compliment journal I can overthink everything (which I have a Master’s degree in)… but mediation you have to turn off your brain. Whenever we have to do this in acting class, I pretend I’m doing it and sing a full song in my head… well I try, but I can never remember lyrics, so it’s usually just the chorus and a bunch of jibberish. Guess we’ll see…
Thanks for reading and following along. How’s your journey going?